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The Last Card for Mom

May 21, 2013 •

image of Mother's Day card

The last card for my Mom

My mother died last week shortly after Moth­er’s Day. Her death was sud­den but peace­ful; as hoped, in her own home while her fam­ily was sleep­ing.

We knew she was in decline, but few knew the end was so near.

She had been bat­tling COPD for sev­eral years, the price for decades of heavy smok­ing. An intel­li­gent woman, Mom was well aware of the dan­gers of tobacco, but she was a prod­uct of her times.

Like other women who came of age after World War II, smok­ing was an inte­gral part of her lifestyle, even in preg­nancy. She did not man­age to over­come the nico­tine addic­tion until she had retired, when she had time to invest in a stop smok­ing pro­gram with skilled med­ical sup­port and coun­sel­ing resources. Mul­ti­ple ear­lier attempts to stop smok­ing had failed.

The Wisdom of Carpe Diem

Mom had 7 chil­dren, half of whom live not far from her home. The rest of us spend hun­dreds of dol­lars and fly for hours when­ever we “go home,” so we don’t see our par­ents or extended fam­ily as often we’d like.

Sadly, as a “non-local,” I was not there on Moth­er’s Day — but could have been. I had already flown from Seat­tle to Boston to visit my par­ents, and deal with main­te­nance issues at a sec­ond home 120 miles away. I had intended to give Mom this card in per­son, rather than mail it as per usual, but she died before I could do so. Mom had hoped to see me later that week, when she’d regained her energy after a large fam­ily party with her local chil­dren and grand­chil­dren.

Now this card has become a sym­bol of the unin­tended but painful con­se­quences of mov­ing away from home.

My hus­band was quite sick over Moth­er’s Day week­end; I opted to stay and care for him rather than drive 120 miles to see Mom, believ­ing I’d see her a few days later. Given 20–20 hind­sight, I would have made a dif­fer­ent choice. Instead I chose to care for my hus­band, assum­ing I’d see my folks a few days later. Who would have guessed that Mom would die Tues­day night (even her doc­tor was sur­prised).

There’s a les­son here: if you have a loved one who’s fight­ing a ter­mi­nal dis­ease, call or visit them while you still can, even when it’s not con­ve­nient. Find ways to work around cal­en­dar issues or con­flict­ing pri­or­i­ties. There are no emails or phone calls in Heaven…

Fam­ily is pre­cious, and your time together is finite. Enjoy fam­ily and friends while you can.

As I learned the hard way, deci­sions that seem ratio­nally cor­rect can prove to be emo­tion­ally wrong. Seize the moment — carpe diem.

About This Blog

Reflec­tions on life, travel, books, and yoga. Think­ing out loud about the pur­suit of mind­ful­ness and well-being.

Learn­ing how to recover from the loss of a beloved spouse, and then to find a trans­for­ma­tive path for­ward.

About Me

Semi-retired marketing exec, transitioning from a career in high tech. Now "managed" by two Tonkinese cats. Missing travel and friends on the West Coast. Avid reader and foodie. Staying active with long walks, biking, kayaking and yoga.

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